Day By Day

I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't sit around and think too much. Thinking leads to questions about why I'm feeling the way I am and the problem with all of that is that I don't have any answers. If I knew what the underlying problem was maybe I could get past them. I'm not expecting to come up with the answers overnight but the worst of it not knowing why. I've figured out that I'm organizing my home because at least it's something I can have some sort of control over. There's a place for everything, I'll be able to find things easier since cleaning up my things is easier than trying to clean up my mind

The crying started again. I thought I was past it. It's not as bad as it has been but it's still a pain in the butt. Walking along the sidewalk, trying to enjoy the nice weather and listen to music is difficult to do when all of a sudden my thoughts get out of control.

My supplements got changed around too and it's been difficult to remember that I don't take everything at the same time anymore. I have to trust my homeopath even though I don't understand what the difference between taking some pills in the morning and taking them with dinner.

I'm just so frustrated right now. I need a job, I need to pay bills, I want to get better but I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving forward which just makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out.

The day just started and I have to keep reminding myself tomorrow might be better.

Struggling

When I first decided to do something about my depression, I was very daunted by the whole thing. I knew it would be a difficult thing to do and that it would take a long time for me to notice any difference. Slowly, I did notice some changes and before I knew it, time was flying by and I was doing better.

Problem is, I've had a huge setback and I'm not really sure why. When I returned from a week in NYC, I went back to work, was fairly happy with my trip and didn't really see any problems going on and then it happened. What that was I'm still trying to figure out but I had a relapse. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry. Every little thing that I saw bothered me and set me off and I was desperate to figure out why I had taken a huge step backwards.

I was able to snap out of it but it was too late. I was fired that Monday, just when I was starting to feel better. Now, getting fired wasn't the greatest thing to happen to me, getting fired never is, but everything having to do with where I worked and the drama associated with it is a completely different story.

This past week was another tough one. Crying fits, not wanting to leave my room and the same thoughts bouncing around my head, screaming horrible things at me. Even at my homeopath appointment all I did was cry. I felt like such a baby when I couldn't even take the acupuncture needles - something I've handled fine before. Besides, what are a few needles when I have nine tattoos?

So now, the uncontrollable crying has stopped but the numbness seems to have settled in its place. I'm hoping that the changes in my vitamins and supplements are going to help but right now it just seems like I'm going through the motions. I don't want to be around anyone but get upset when I don't hear from anyone. It's a horrible cycle and I'm the only one who can break it.

I wish I could see the strength that other people around me say they see. In fact, I wish I could see a lot of what others see in me. I don't see the beauty/strength/compassion that I should and even with therapy I haven't been able to figure it out.

The icing on the cake is that now that I feel that I really need to see my therapist and homeopath on a more regular basis, I can't afford to. Until I find a new job I have to be very careful with my money. It always feels that I'm playing catch up and the whole game is tiring me out.

Anybody There?

I honestly didn't think this would still be here after two years. I was thinking about deleting the whole account but decided against it. I'm finding that I have a lot more time on my hands.

So, what's been happening these past couple years?

Went to Australia - I may have already mentioned that
Went to Greece
Wrote a book
Started getting my depression under control with the help of a homeopath and therapist
Re-connected with my family
Went to New York City
Got fired

At the moment, I'm looking for work and in the middle of my next novel. Writing full time would be amazing but with no money coming in I need to find something to pay the bills.

I'm going to try and document my struggles and my victories with my depression. Maybe that will help someone.