Am I the only person out there who doesn't believe for a second that Lindsay Lohan will complete her three month jail sentence? I mean when Paris Hilton went to jail she was behind bars for what a couple days?? Please, she'll cry and say how she's not being treated well, get transferred to the medical wing and before you can say 'slap my ass and call me Fanny!', she'll be out.
Shouldn't a ninety day jail sentence mean having to spend ninety days in jail? And her shock at being sentenced? I don't care what your lawyer may have promised, lawyers can be wrong.
OK, let's get into something here. Yes, jails are overcrowded and take up tax payer dollars. But jail also allows you to get an education, get paid, get fed, clothed and housed. Maybe if jail was more of a punishment we wouldn't see so many people there.
Bottom line is, Lindsay Lohan was convicted of a crime. I know of others who have done far less and are still feeling the effects years later. Must be nice to be a celebrity.
14 July 2010
11 July 2010
No Invitation
The weather's been really hot and I wish I knew what was going on with me but on Friday evening, I took a stroll with a friend of mine to get a coffee. It's a nice twenty minute walk both ways and the temperature had dropped, making it very comfortable. Just as we're reaching the coffee shop, I get a text telling me that two people I used to work with were going to just drop by my place for a visit. I sent a message back saying I wasn't home and then called home to give my family the heads up.
There are a few things about all this that bothers me. First is the time of day. It was past nine pm and I live with family. These aren't people who my family know well and maybe it's just the way I was brought up but you don't show up at someone's place unannounced (or even call as you're pulling in the driveway). It also bothers me that one of my visitors happened to be the same person who forgets what's been done for her (keeping her job while in treatment) when it's not done for someone else (losing my job while I'm in treatment).
What does it matter? I don't talk to them and I really don't care to. Since losing my job, I've been able to see who my friends are. It's been easy to spot those that don't give a crap and it's hilarious when I do run into them. They act so fake and I can't wait to get out of there. Fun for the whole family.
There are a few things about all this that bothers me. First is the time of day. It was past nine pm and I live with family. These aren't people who my family know well and maybe it's just the way I was brought up but you don't show up at someone's place unannounced (or even call as you're pulling in the driveway). It also bothers me that one of my visitors happened to be the same person who forgets what's been done for her (keeping her job while in treatment) when it's not done for someone else (losing my job while I'm in treatment).
What does it matter? I don't talk to them and I really don't care to. Since losing my job, I've been able to see who my friends are. It's been easy to spot those that don't give a crap and it's hilarious when I do run into them. They act so fake and I can't wait to get out of there. Fun for the whole family.
05 July 2010
Half a Person
I feel like a shell of my former self. I used to go out, be involved with things, have opinions and all the other things that people have. Something changed and it happened so gradually that in the beginning I didn't think there was anything different but now I can see it. The only thing I seem to be able to do well is sleep.
Going to doctors doesn't seem to help either. Not that its stopping me, but I hate sitting in the waiting room knowing that when I get in there and tell him my symptoms that I'll get brushed off, like all the times before. Or, even worse, prescribed some sort of anti-depressant that I don't want (and didn't want in the first place) and make me feel physically worse than I did when I arrived.
If these drugs work for you, great. I just know they don't for me. I've tried a couple different ones and I'm of the thinking that whatever problems I have that are causing me to feel like this will only be masked and only when I deal with said problems will I start feeling better. That is my stance and in no way am I telling anyone that my way is the right way. Everyone is different and whatever it is that someone else may be going through is their situation and only that person can figure out what's best for them.
What do I want out of things? I just want to be happy. Overall, grand scheme of things happy. To get there I would love to see the return of my appetite, my sense of humor and the desire to leave my apartment every now and again. I have a lot of work to do and my fingers are crossed.
Going to doctors doesn't seem to help either. Not that its stopping me, but I hate sitting in the waiting room knowing that when I get in there and tell him my symptoms that I'll get brushed off, like all the times before. Or, even worse, prescribed some sort of anti-depressant that I don't want (and didn't want in the first place) and make me feel physically worse than I did when I arrived.
If these drugs work for you, great. I just know they don't for me. I've tried a couple different ones and I'm of the thinking that whatever problems I have that are causing me to feel like this will only be masked and only when I deal with said problems will I start feeling better. That is my stance and in no way am I telling anyone that my way is the right way. Everyone is different and whatever it is that someone else may be going through is their situation and only that person can figure out what's best for them.
What do I want out of things? I just want to be happy. Overall, grand scheme of things happy. To get there I would love to see the return of my appetite, my sense of humor and the desire to leave my apartment every now and again. I have a lot of work to do and my fingers are crossed.
04 July 2010
Feeling My Age
I always considered myself lucky when it came to how I looked in relation to how old I am. I look a good ten years younger and have never had any surgery done. There have been advantages as well as disadvantages. The shocked look on people's faces when they find out is always cool but being treated like a child by people who are my age can get pretty tiresome.
This past weekend, however, really made me feel my age.
I had a headache on Thursday - nothing too bad but instead of having people over I would have rather been in a dark quiet room, getting rid of the thing. In any case, Friday came around, I went to work but didn't feel great. I was tired and as the day went on, my head took a turn - like it had turned onto the on ramp to painville. Going straight home, I figured I would get into bed, get some sleep and I'd be fine in a couple of hours but that wasn't what was in store.
Migraines are nothing new to me but it's very rare that they get this bad. I can count on one hand how many I've had that have caused this much pain and suffering. If you have ever had a migraine, you'll know what I mean.
Tylenol, Advil don't do anything for my migraines (even if the box says they're made for that type of headache) and I can't take any of the prescription medication because of a heart condition so I use ice packs and have several in the freezer. At first, the ice seemed to help but then the nausea started. When my stomach was fine, my head felt like there was a thick metal spike in my head being hit by a metal hammer. The more I felt sick to my stomach, though, the less the pain was in my head. Ten years ago I had a headache like this and I knew that if I just let myself get sick, that everything would be fine.
I made up my mind and let the nausea take over but nothing happened. I couldn't decide which was worse, the pain in my head or waiting to throw up. I won't get into details but as I was being sick, a new sensation occurred and I didn't think it was possible to think things could get worse. The strain made it feel like the back of my head (not where the migraine was to begin with) exploded. There was such an intense pain across the back of my neck it felt as though I had burst every blood vessel I had. It was so bad I thought I had to go to the hospital.
Eventually the pain went away but it's two days later and I'm still feeling like absolute crap. That's where the age thing is coming into play. It's taking longer to recover and I hate it. I do know it is time to get back to the doctor and get something done because this is getting really tough to handle. It was the first time I really felt like I wanted to die.
So I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be feeling better.
This past weekend, however, really made me feel my age.
I had a headache on Thursday - nothing too bad but instead of having people over I would have rather been in a dark quiet room, getting rid of the thing. In any case, Friday came around, I went to work but didn't feel great. I was tired and as the day went on, my head took a turn - like it had turned onto the on ramp to painville. Going straight home, I figured I would get into bed, get some sleep and I'd be fine in a couple of hours but that wasn't what was in store.
Migraines are nothing new to me but it's very rare that they get this bad. I can count on one hand how many I've had that have caused this much pain and suffering. If you have ever had a migraine, you'll know what I mean.
Tylenol, Advil don't do anything for my migraines (even if the box says they're made for that type of headache) and I can't take any of the prescription medication because of a heart condition so I use ice packs and have several in the freezer. At first, the ice seemed to help but then the nausea started. When my stomach was fine, my head felt like there was a thick metal spike in my head being hit by a metal hammer. The more I felt sick to my stomach, though, the less the pain was in my head. Ten years ago I had a headache like this and I knew that if I just let myself get sick, that everything would be fine.
I made up my mind and let the nausea take over but nothing happened. I couldn't decide which was worse, the pain in my head or waiting to throw up. I won't get into details but as I was being sick, a new sensation occurred and I didn't think it was possible to think things could get worse. The strain made it feel like the back of my head (not where the migraine was to begin with) exploded. There was such an intense pain across the back of my neck it felt as though I had burst every blood vessel I had. It was so bad I thought I had to go to the hospital.
Eventually the pain went away but it's two days later and I'm still feeling like absolute crap. That's where the age thing is coming into play. It's taking longer to recover and I hate it. I do know it is time to get back to the doctor and get something done because this is getting really tough to handle. It was the first time I really felt like I wanted to die.
So I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be feeling better.
26 June 2010
Stay A While - Smash Some Windows
The G20 Summit has invaded Toronto and along with all the dignitaries and world leaders that have arrived, a whole slew of protesters managed to get themselves here as well. Today, they decided was a good day for a protest and so far they've managed to set fire to at least two police vehicles, I believe two other cars and have smashed in the front windows of stores along Queen Street West.
There is a Gap, HMV and a few other 'chain' stores but the rest of the street houses individually owned boutiques, restaurants and what about the Silver Snail? Gee, I hope the gorilla is alright.
Why? Why are these people doing this? I'm all for people having their own opinions - we're allowed to have them - but there are right ways of doing things. I don't know what you were protesting. Whatever it was, was overshadowed by all the violence. Maybe someone would have agreed with you but you brought things that would cause explosions and preventing people that need to get around/home from arriving at their destination.
If you can't get your point across in a way that doesn't interfere with a person's way of life then stay home.
There is a Gap, HMV and a few other 'chain' stores but the rest of the street houses individually owned boutiques, restaurants and what about the Silver Snail? Gee, I hope the gorilla is alright.
Why? Why are these people doing this? I'm all for people having their own opinions - we're allowed to have them - but there are right ways of doing things. I don't know what you were protesting. Whatever it was, was overshadowed by all the violence. Maybe someone would have agreed with you but you brought things that would cause explosions and preventing people that need to get around/home from arriving at their destination.
If you can't get your point across in a way that doesn't interfere with a person's way of life then stay home.
18 June 2010
Commercial Stupidity
I'm getting pretty amazed by a lot of the commercials on television right now - in a horrible, people are getting dumber by the second way. Let's start with that diet delivery one.
Here are some overweight people complaining that there are no diet delivery programs that have good food. Get the hell up off your fat ass and walk to the supermarket and make something healthy yourself! Seriously. Sitting around the house waiting for the mailman to deliver your food isn't doing anything to help you shed the pounds. Proper diet and exercise is the only way to do it and no one else can make someone thin.
Then there's the jam sandwich. Here, the mother makes jam sandwiches for her daughter because making sandwiches from deli ham is no good since the ham has too many preservatives. But all that sugar is better? I don't get as frustrated watching this one as I do others but come on, advertisers really need to stop thinking the majority of the population have IQ's under a hundred.
Don't even get me started on the new trailers for that vampire movie. As a writer, I like seeing strong female characters and am disappointed when books, television shows and movies dumb their character down just to move the plot along. Here is a girl who needs to be saved, constantly, repeatedly, on a daily basis. She has two boys fighting over her, deciding that she has no say whatsoever and her protests seem mostly for show. I understand the writer of these books has a strong sense of her own faith and it is clear from just reading the first book but girls are allowed to use their brains. They can choose what they wear, who they're friends with, what they want to do with their life and it's not always about physical strength.
Magazines, models and mannequins give off a skewed sense of what people should look like. Young girls see these and think that's what they need to strive for. How about instead of telling girls that you have to have a man in your life to take care of you, that you can do what you want and any man that wants to be in your life should be confident enough to be a partner and not a boss.
One more thing. What the hell is up with that new diaper commercial? The one that looks like denim? WTF? That's just wrong.
Glad to have gotten that out of my system.
Here are some overweight people complaining that there are no diet delivery programs that have good food. Get the hell up off your fat ass and walk to the supermarket and make something healthy yourself! Seriously. Sitting around the house waiting for the mailman to deliver your food isn't doing anything to help you shed the pounds. Proper diet and exercise is the only way to do it and no one else can make someone thin.
Then there's the jam sandwich. Here, the mother makes jam sandwiches for her daughter because making sandwiches from deli ham is no good since the ham has too many preservatives. But all that sugar is better? I don't get as frustrated watching this one as I do others but come on, advertisers really need to stop thinking the majority of the population have IQ's under a hundred.
Don't even get me started on the new trailers for that vampire movie. As a writer, I like seeing strong female characters and am disappointed when books, television shows and movies dumb their character down just to move the plot along. Here is a girl who needs to be saved, constantly, repeatedly, on a daily basis. She has two boys fighting over her, deciding that she has no say whatsoever and her protests seem mostly for show. I understand the writer of these books has a strong sense of her own faith and it is clear from just reading the first book but girls are allowed to use their brains. They can choose what they wear, who they're friends with, what they want to do with their life and it's not always about physical strength.
Magazines, models and mannequins give off a skewed sense of what people should look like. Young girls see these and think that's what they need to strive for. How about instead of telling girls that you have to have a man in your life to take care of you, that you can do what you want and any man that wants to be in your life should be confident enough to be a partner and not a boss.
One more thing. What the hell is up with that new diaper commercial? The one that looks like denim? WTF? That's just wrong.
Glad to have gotten that out of my system.
14 June 2010
New Look
Decided to change things up a bit with the help of the newly designed templates. It seems I have a thing for grey - I like the way it looks.
Bad migraine yesterday and as much as it's eased off somewhat, I just wish the fucking thing would go away. People normally tell me to take some Tylenol or Advil and I would but neither of those things work. Can't take anything stronger though so I'm out of luck and just have to ride this out.
I have World Cup Soccer on and the good thing about it is I only really have to pay attention when I hear the Englishman who's doing the play by play get excited.
I had something to talk about but my brain can't focus on any one thought at the moment. Maybe I'll try again when it doesn't feel like I'm hatching an alien baby in my head.
Bad migraine yesterday and as much as it's eased off somewhat, I just wish the fucking thing would go away. People normally tell me to take some Tylenol or Advil and I would but neither of those things work. Can't take anything stronger though so I'm out of luck and just have to ride this out.
I have World Cup Soccer on and the good thing about it is I only really have to pay attention when I hear the Englishman who's doing the play by play get excited.
I had something to talk about but my brain can't focus on any one thought at the moment. Maybe I'll try again when it doesn't feel like I'm hatching an alien baby in my head.
02 June 2010
Nothing To Say
Doesn't it figure, when I start to feel moderately better, I don't have anything to talk about. The whole up and down that I experience with depression makes me even angrier especially since I'm so aware of it. It seems that when I'm down, it bothers me that I can't just snap out of it and when I'm not down, I'm waiting for the next dip.
I wish I could just be and stop analyzing things all the time. It doesn't seem to do me any good. No matter how logical I know something is, my emotions keep peeking out, making me second guess myself. I'm not too sure if that made any sense but sometimes I find I can't explain things the way I want to - which doesn't do well for me since I claim to be a writer.
In the meantime, I think if people saw me at home right now they would think I'm nesting which is strange since I have no interest in kids. I've been going through everything and re-organizing. I'm putting my writing together, getting all my papers in the right files and making sure that when I look for something, I know where it is. I make a project for myself each day which doesn't just put everything in order, but it passes the time so I'm not sitting around thinking.
There are also times when I don't want to do anything or want to cancel plans that I've made. Sometimes I do but I've been trying not to lately. My little mantra for talking myself out of canceling has to do with regretting my decision later. If I don't go, will I be mad at myself after? Most of the time the answer is yes, so I go and usually have a good time - like I did yesterday.
I would like it better if I didn't have to worry about my mood and emotions. I'd love if my hormones weren't out of wack. I don't know if I want to go so far as to say I want to be normal since I pride myself on not fitting into a lot of molds but I do want to be happy.
I wish I could just be and stop analyzing things all the time. It doesn't seem to do me any good. No matter how logical I know something is, my emotions keep peeking out, making me second guess myself. I'm not too sure if that made any sense but sometimes I find I can't explain things the way I want to - which doesn't do well for me since I claim to be a writer.
In the meantime, I think if people saw me at home right now they would think I'm nesting which is strange since I have no interest in kids. I've been going through everything and re-organizing. I'm putting my writing together, getting all my papers in the right files and making sure that when I look for something, I know where it is. I make a project for myself each day which doesn't just put everything in order, but it passes the time so I'm not sitting around thinking.
There are also times when I don't want to do anything or want to cancel plans that I've made. Sometimes I do but I've been trying not to lately. My little mantra for talking myself out of canceling has to do with regretting my decision later. If I don't go, will I be mad at myself after? Most of the time the answer is yes, so I go and usually have a good time - like I did yesterday.
I would like it better if I didn't have to worry about my mood and emotions. I'd love if my hormones weren't out of wack. I don't know if I want to go so far as to say I want to be normal since I pride myself on not fitting into a lot of molds but I do want to be happy.
31 May 2010
Day By Day
I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't sit around and think too much. Thinking leads to questions about why I'm feeling the way I am and the problem with all of that is that I don't have any answers. If I knew what the underlying problem was maybe I could get past them. I'm not expecting to come up with the answers overnight but the worst of it not knowing why. I've figured out that I'm organizing my home because at least it's something I can have some sort of control over. There's a place for everything, I'll be able to find things easier since cleaning up my things is easier than trying to clean up my mind
The crying started again. I thought I was past it. It's not as bad as it has been but it's still a pain in the butt. Walking along the sidewalk, trying to enjoy the nice weather and listen to music is difficult to do when all of a sudden my thoughts get out of control.
My supplements got changed around too and it's been difficult to remember that I don't take everything at the same time anymore. I have to trust my homeopath even though I don't understand what the difference between taking some pills in the morning and taking them with dinner.
I'm just so frustrated right now. I need a job, I need to pay bills, I want to get better but I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving forward which just makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out.
The day just started and I have to keep reminding myself tomorrow might be better.
The crying started again. I thought I was past it. It's not as bad as it has been but it's still a pain in the butt. Walking along the sidewalk, trying to enjoy the nice weather and listen to music is difficult to do when all of a sudden my thoughts get out of control.
My supplements got changed around too and it's been difficult to remember that I don't take everything at the same time anymore. I have to trust my homeopath even though I don't understand what the difference between taking some pills in the morning and taking them with dinner.
I'm just so frustrated right now. I need a job, I need to pay bills, I want to get better but I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving forward which just makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out.
The day just started and I have to keep reminding myself tomorrow might be better.
29 May 2010
Struggling
When I first decided to do something about my depression, I was very daunted by the whole thing. I knew it would be a difficult thing to do and that it would take a long time for me to notice any difference. Slowly, I did notice some changes and before I knew it, time was flying by and I was doing better.
Problem is, I've had a huge setback and I'm not really sure why. When I returned from a week in NYC, I went back to work, was fairly happy with my trip and didn't really see any problems going on and then it happened. What that was I'm still trying to figure out but I had a relapse. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry. Every little thing that I saw bothered me and set me off and I was desperate to figure out why I had taken a huge step backwards.
I was able to snap out of it but it was too late. I was fired that Monday, just when I was starting to feel better. Now, getting fired wasn't the greatest thing to happen to me, getting fired never is, but everything having to do with where I worked and the drama associated with it is a completely different story.
This past week was another tough one. Crying fits, not wanting to leave my room and the same thoughts bouncing around my head, screaming horrible things at me. Even at my homeopath appointment all I did was cry. I felt like such a baby when I couldn't even take the acupuncture needles - something I've handled fine before. Besides, what are a few needles when I have nine tattoos?
So now, the uncontrollable crying has stopped but the numbness seems to have settled in its place. I'm hoping that the changes in my vitamins and supplements are going to help but right now it just seems like I'm going through the motions. I don't want to be around anyone but get upset when I don't hear from anyone. It's a horrible cycle and I'm the only one who can break it.
I wish I could see the strength that other people around me say they see. In fact, I wish I could see a lot of what others see in me. I don't see the beauty/strength/compassion that I should and even with therapy I haven't been able to figure it out.
The icing on the cake is that now that I feel that I really need to see my therapist and homeopath on a more regular basis, I can't afford to. Until I find a new job I have to be very careful with my money. It always feels that I'm playing catch up and the whole game is tiring me out.
Problem is, I've had a huge setback and I'm not really sure why. When I returned from a week in NYC, I went back to work, was fairly happy with my trip and didn't really see any problems going on and then it happened. What that was I'm still trying to figure out but I had a relapse. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry. Every little thing that I saw bothered me and set me off and I was desperate to figure out why I had taken a huge step backwards.
I was able to snap out of it but it was too late. I was fired that Monday, just when I was starting to feel better. Now, getting fired wasn't the greatest thing to happen to me, getting fired never is, but everything having to do with where I worked and the drama associated with it is a completely different story.
This past week was another tough one. Crying fits, not wanting to leave my room and the same thoughts bouncing around my head, screaming horrible things at me. Even at my homeopath appointment all I did was cry. I felt like such a baby when I couldn't even take the acupuncture needles - something I've handled fine before. Besides, what are a few needles when I have nine tattoos?
So now, the uncontrollable crying has stopped but the numbness seems to have settled in its place. I'm hoping that the changes in my vitamins and supplements are going to help but right now it just seems like I'm going through the motions. I don't want to be around anyone but get upset when I don't hear from anyone. It's a horrible cycle and I'm the only one who can break it.
I wish I could see the strength that other people around me say they see. In fact, I wish I could see a lot of what others see in me. I don't see the beauty/strength/compassion that I should and even with therapy I haven't been able to figure it out.
The icing on the cake is that now that I feel that I really need to see my therapist and homeopath on a more regular basis, I can't afford to. Until I find a new job I have to be very careful with my money. It always feels that I'm playing catch up and the whole game is tiring me out.
28 May 2010
Anybody There?
I honestly didn't think this would still be here after two years. I was thinking about deleting the whole account but decided against it. I'm finding that I have a lot more time on my hands.
So, what's been happening these past couple years?
Went to Australia - I may have already mentioned that
Went to Greece
Wrote a book
Started getting my depression under control with the help of a homeopath and therapist
Re-connected with my family
Went to New York City
Got fired
At the moment, I'm looking for work and in the middle of my next novel. Writing full time would be amazing but with no money coming in I need to find something to pay the bills.
I'm going to try and document my struggles and my victories with my depression. Maybe that will help someone.
So, what's been happening these past couple years?
Went to Australia - I may have already mentioned that
Went to Greece
Wrote a book
Started getting my depression under control with the help of a homeopath and therapist
Re-connected with my family
Went to New York City
Got fired
At the moment, I'm looking for work and in the middle of my next novel. Writing full time would be amazing but with no money coming in I need to find something to pay the bills.
I'm going to try and document my struggles and my victories with my depression. Maybe that will help someone.
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