Doesn't it figure, when I start to feel moderately better, I don't have anything to talk about. The whole up and down that I experience with depression makes me even angrier especially since I'm so aware of it. It seems that when I'm down, it bothers me that I can't just snap out of it and when I'm not down, I'm waiting for the next dip.
I wish I could just be and stop analyzing things all the time. It doesn't seem to do me any good. No matter how logical I know something is, my emotions keep peeking out, making me second guess myself. I'm not too sure if that made any sense but sometimes I find I can't explain things the way I want to - which doesn't do well for me since I claim to be a writer.
In the meantime, I think if people saw me at home right now they would think I'm nesting which is strange since I have no interest in kids. I've been going through everything and re-organizing. I'm putting my writing together, getting all my papers in the right files and making sure that when I look for something, I know where it is. I make a project for myself each day which doesn't just put everything in order, but it passes the time so I'm not sitting around thinking.
There are also times when I don't want to do anything or want to cancel plans that I've made. Sometimes I do but I've been trying not to lately. My little mantra for talking myself out of canceling has to do with regretting my decision later. If I don't go, will I be mad at myself after? Most of the time the answer is yes, so I go and usually have a good time - like I did yesterday.
I would like it better if I didn't have to worry about my mood and emotions. I'd love if my hormones weren't out of wack. I don't know if I want to go so far as to say I want to be normal since I pride myself on not fitting into a lot of molds but I do want to be happy.
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