Struggling

When I first decided to do something about my depression, I was very daunted by the whole thing. I knew it would be a difficult thing to do and that it would take a long time for me to notice any difference. Slowly, I did notice some changes and before I knew it, time was flying by and I was doing better.

Problem is, I've had a huge setback and I'm not really sure why. When I returned from a week in NYC, I went back to work, was fairly happy with my trip and didn't really see any problems going on and then it happened. What that was I'm still trying to figure out but I had a relapse. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry. Every little thing that I saw bothered me and set me off and I was desperate to figure out why I had taken a huge step backwards.

I was able to snap out of it but it was too late. I was fired that Monday, just when I was starting to feel better. Now, getting fired wasn't the greatest thing to happen to me, getting fired never is, but everything having to do with where I worked and the drama associated with it is a completely different story.

This past week was another tough one. Crying fits, not wanting to leave my room and the same thoughts bouncing around my head, screaming horrible things at me. Even at my homeopath appointment all I did was cry. I felt like such a baby when I couldn't even take the acupuncture needles - something I've handled fine before. Besides, what are a few needles when I have nine tattoos?

So now, the uncontrollable crying has stopped but the numbness seems to have settled in its place. I'm hoping that the changes in my vitamins and supplements are going to help but right now it just seems like I'm going through the motions. I don't want to be around anyone but get upset when I don't hear from anyone. It's a horrible cycle and I'm the only one who can break it.

I wish I could see the strength that other people around me say they see. In fact, I wish I could see a lot of what others see in me. I don't see the beauty/strength/compassion that I should and even with therapy I haven't been able to figure it out.

The icing on the cake is that now that I feel that I really need to see my therapist and homeopath on a more regular basis, I can't afford to. Until I find a new job I have to be very careful with my money. It always feels that I'm playing catch up and the whole game is tiring me out.